*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.

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They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list


I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.


Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos


I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.


Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.


Me: “Your mum sucks.”

GF: “That’s not very nice.”

Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”


*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.


A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.