I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
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The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either