Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
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Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.