i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
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[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
road rage
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.