How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
You Might Also Like
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.