GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
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“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Lmao 🤣
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there