(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
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It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.