Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
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You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
#titanic
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.