all bases covered
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Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me: