You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
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When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
good morning
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?