Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
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forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
The 6 types of sex
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
#JohnTravolta
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.