When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
You Might Also Like
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?