I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
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God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”