her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
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me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.