She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
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Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
He just like my cat fr
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
You’ll be OK