Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
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I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you