cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
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Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.