ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
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i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
I WON A HAM TODAY
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound