Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
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Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
✌🏽
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Saw your ex at the shops
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive