That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
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Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me