Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
You Might Also Like
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.