Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
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Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
This probably isn’t good
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)