Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
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If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend