[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
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Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
be careful
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug