*goes to the gym*

*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*

*hurries to the bar*

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when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”


Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet

– Keys to a successful relationship


I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.


I let my baby girl know she can do anything.

Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.


Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…


“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket


guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point


I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.