*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
You Might Also Like
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
I need to get some bricks…
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.