@DrunjAF

*goes to the gym*

*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*

*hurries to the bar*

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@nice_mustard

when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”

@withanewname

Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet

– Keys to a successful relationship

@mlefaye

I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.

@WalkingOutside

I let my baby girl know she can do anything.

Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.

@mimicz

Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…

@EndhooS

“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket

@theDapperilla

guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point

@Emsrsue

I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.