When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
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casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”