I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
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I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.