Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
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My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
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If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
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isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Hey i am sexy to you now
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I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.