Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
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[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much