My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
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Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.