[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
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Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.