If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
You Might Also Like
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.