This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
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Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling