godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
You Might Also Like
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.