“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
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Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.