I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
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My birthstone is a marshmallow
whatcha thinkin bout
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually