People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
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Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
sounds kinky. i’m in.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Best spot.. 😅
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Ironic
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that