Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
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*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Snapes on a plane.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Never let them know your next move 😂
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?