Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
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My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.