If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
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When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.