My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
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Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
when someone compliments me
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time