Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

Him: Can you turn on the wifi?

Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*

I just need a shovel and a good alibi.

[guy who’s about to invent politics]

*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do

Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.

[speed dating]

Her: Nice to meet you

Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION

I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.

[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT

when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween

“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*

The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.

Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.

I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.

It took a lot longer than I thought it would.

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.

I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.

“Woah woah hey woah”

[me attempting to breakup a fight]

The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.

Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.

Finally, an instrument I can play!

Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.

6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.

I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared

Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.

NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!

ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.

Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.

Her: So, are you seeing anyone?

Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?

Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.

Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*

me: wHaT iS It DocToR

dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people

me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS

dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS