My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks

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My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.


This bank app is great for checking account activity!

Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.


Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.


Him: what does a polar bear weigh?

Me: I don’t know

Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.

Me: so’s mine.


Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.

Told her not to worry, someone else will.


“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”


Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.


[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?