My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
You Might Also Like
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
the world’s most popular steaming services
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
