me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
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When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*