Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
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“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Oh yeah that’s it
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.