JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
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Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Duck typos.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same