FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
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[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Friday
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*