A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
You Might Also Like
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?