Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
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The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice