No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
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Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.