mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
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I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Passwords are more important than ever.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–