No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
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[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them