I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
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me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Ironic
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.